joyism

It's Now Or Never

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 21:22:19 GMT

OK, Im coming back to life after being exhausted from my weekend trip to PA. I was with my family last weekend & that was a success since I felt really positive and on top of my game this time. Sometimes when I go there I know they havent seen me & I can look a little tired and preoccupied, but this time I looked really good. Im not quite sure how other people's families operate. Maybe this all sounds petty and superficial and it doesnt matter in other people's families as much as it matters in mine, but there is muuuuuuch conversation about how Im doing if I look the least bit tired/sad/broke. SMH It might not always be something that's voiced but it's made clear. And -- dont get me wrong -- it's not a 'judgment' thing. There's alot of genuine concern about me when I dont look well. But sometimes Im like, can yall think about something else because I hope youre not gauging the progression of my life on what I look like right this minute??? I wish you could just gloss over all that ~~because truth be told, yall dont look all that great yourselves~~ because everybody has their good & bad days. *shrug* But yeah, I looked and felt healthy and good this time and I was received as such. Got 111 mosquito bites sitting outside talking til midnight Saturday but hey it was worth it. Good times. (The funny thing was I was so sure the mosquitoes werent biting me, everybody else was talking about how they were being eaten alive and Im all 'not me' then ole 'not me' wakes up the Sunday and 'not me's' body looks like Braille. smh) But yeah, it's nice to be around my family. lol

I looked online for houses before I got there so I could narrow down my search, but it wasnt hardly a problem narrowing that thing down because wasnt no houses to look at. *smh* I dont know. More than ever I think I want to leave Connecticut, though. I hope Im not over-romanticizing going back there but the only thing Ive got here is my job ~~the thing that allows me to survive freely and pay every bill Ive got~~ but hey, other than that, meh. lol I dont know. lol

Worked on my dad's car deal. I am far too angry to talk about the insurance company and their racket..

Im gonna try to actively get involved in some single's ministry stuff (following MissAdventure's lead) and I hope to do some serious intentional stuff here throughout the month of August to see if there is any good reason to want to stay here (when in actuality all my behind needs to do is go to Pittsburgh on a trial basis and make 35 cents an hour and eat pork and beans with no fork, scooped straight out the can in my hands because plastic forks will cost too much on my twelve dollar weekly budget, and see how fast I'd be loving Connecticut then. SMH) But no, really, I really do need to throw out all the stops right now... it's now or never... and try everything I have to see if there is any good reason to stay here. (*cough* my behind also needs to get past the idea of 'Good Reason to Stay Here' being a rough translation of 'Having a Man.') smhsmhsmh I just cant think of any other reason, though. I really cant. My friends here are cool people and all but I aint trying to stay nowhere because of no friends. That's some tv mess with Ross, Rachel* and Chandler. I need a chaaaaaaaaaaaaaange. aaaaaarrrrrrrrggh

I wanted to go out tonight but I bought shrimp instead. And please tell me why a bag of cherries was 8 something.

*speaking of Rachel... I never watched Friends until this year. I always boycotted it because there were no Black people and I refused to watch it because it was, like, the #1 show and they didnt have no Black people in it (I said that) but I watched it this year and I am SOOOOOOOOOO Rachel. I am SOOOOOOOOOOO that girl. LOL!!!

The People Who Know and Love Me Best

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 00:12:58 GMT

Man, I cant be going into all the blowbyblows about my family but let me say this: it is an AWAKENING being around those peoples, do you comprehend what I am saying? Are you feeling me? Do you get it? SMH I mean, I love my family like hot buttered biscuits but Ima need to marry into a family of some serious wallflowers who talk every four years under a vow of silence or something because these people I got now aint no JOKE. SMH Why yall got so much to say about everything? Man, let me go to sleep and rest up for my week at work. Those people are entirely too taxing for my brain cells.

Oh and Pittsburgh is faaar. Either it's moving or something's going on but Pennsylvania's not right after New York anymore.

No house found.
No man appeared.
I have 6 dollars.

But other than that, all's right with the world. LOL

And THAT, Your Honor, Is Why I Had to Kill the People at Chase

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 21:01:45 GMT

Ok, I might have to kill the people at Chase.

On 2nd thought, I dont feel like writing about this.
Just be warned if you know the people at Chase.

Sat, 31 May 2008 00:03:07 GMT

Went to Tiffany today and got my mom her Mother's Day gift. Long story. I got her a necklace that is very nice.

I have alot to do

'I Have a Fake Leg'

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 01:02:12 GMT

Wait-- did I say Silent confirmed he has a fake leg last Friday? Well, Silent confirmed he has a fake leg last Friday. Lol. And that was pretty much the end of the conversation. lol

No actually he said his leg gave out while he was walking down the hall & he had to go see the leg guy. I was all "huh? (like I didnt know)" (Meanwhile I had seen his sock with-no-leg a week ago.) So, he says 'I have to go get fitted for a new "shock absorber for this leg." Im all 'Well, cant they give you extra ones to do it yourself so you dont have to go there?' (I know. Stupid. smh)

So he goes "they cost 1500 bucks. If the insurance companies want me to have an *extra* $1500 shock absorber lying around, yeah, sure."

So, I didnt ask him any details as to how that happened; he can tell me or not tell me as he feels comfortable. But yes, Silent has a prosthesis. Whoa.

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 03:18:54 GMT

ok yall. Im out.

I need to quit posting in here and focus on my life. some things need to happen for me soon. I need them to happen. peace

<---has turned over new leaf

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 00:05:45 GMT

I have. been. ROCKING. this whole bedmaking thing. ROCKING IT-ttttt. Do you hear me? Who knew making my bed everyday for the rest of my life would be so easy? Huh?

*throws duvet up in the air & flings pillows at bed from bathroom*

Ok, granted I dont have the whole military bed thing going on where you have to "tuck" and "smooth" & "drop quarters" & "bounce" and such foolishness but this comforter thing Ive got going on right now is just my speed. I am loving this. And I did laundry, changed my jersey sheets, swept, dusted, vacuumed, scrubbed the bathroom and am generally keeping things wonderfully picked up, orderly and clean. Every night before I go to bed I put everything away (hence my 5pm bed time.) Man, all these domestic skills Im trying to incorporate in my schedule take alot of my time and I dont have time to be straightening junk drawers. I need to go to the GYM! Later for the spoons in the wrong spot. But Im trying to strike the balance and keep my homelife in order, too. *sigh*

Today was my first day back to work and at 10am I decided Im better suited as a stay-at-home mom. Oh that's right I have no kids. *smh*

I have been so sweet to everybody since Charles Stanley touched my hand. ::puts hand on face:: I was kinder to the people in my office...even the WorkWenches all up in my bisiness. And even though Eric the White is now not speaking to me and did not even call me to wish me a happy birthday because...oh I didnt tell you...why did I get my TMobile bill and see over 80something calls from this man...so I tell him Eric...oh wait/I remember telling you...anyway...he's mad and that's cool. Im kind of tired of playing "the woman" and pampering men right now. I guess Im supposed to be "hurt" that he didnt get me the tv. Um. Ok. I know where Best Buy is, man. Do I look lost? I can buy my OWN tv.

<---is talking all tough on here but doesnt have no money for no doggone LCD tv...Lord whhhhhhhhhhhy has my whiteman forsaken meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?

My friend Vince is taking me out this weekend for my birthday. (Vince has a tremendous amount of earwax.) But earwax aside we have the BEST times together. He is very very funny. He called me last night to wish me a happy birthday and it was like 7 and I go "V. For real though. Are you still at work?" And he goes "Yes." And Im like "What's up with the WhiteFolkFormal?" He started rolling. This man was talking like he was Prince Andrew. *smh* I knew he had to be at work ...... (or at Buckingham Palace because he never talks the way he was talking to me.) *smh* He's a clown. But we're going out this weekend to see Bourne Ultimatum. Matt Damon is hot. I mean, it has a good story line.

90K

Sun, 09 Sep 2007 18:56:46 GMT

It's been mad busy. I have so much going on right now that I have somewhat neglected my beauty regimen.

<--gasps in horror & plucks 6" hair from chin

I had this whole convo about upper middle class Blackfolk... and I am so tired of it. Mark said his brother called him a "rich spoiled brat" and he was defending that and concluded that he is not a rich, spoiled brat, rather his brother with 3 kids is just jealous of him. (Um. Ok, Mark. Tell your mind whatever it needs you to tell it.) *lol*

And we were talking about my church and he was saying how other churches in the city say we're "uppity." I said I could see that. (My point was it's not some mortal blow to be called "uppity." Like if they call me "uppity" it has some impact on my quality of life.) So, he said what's upper middle class anyway? And I said making 90...100...120K. That's upper middle class because in the Black community, let's be real.... what percentage of Blackfolk across the board make 6 figures? And he was like, then the church across the board is not upper middle class. And I said if you go down the pews, one old lady by one old lady, no, most people dont make that, but if you look at the leadership of the church and the main core of the church...yeah...that's the average salary. I think he was rejecting the notion of labeling us "upper middle class." I dont have a problem with it --- just know you have alot of responsibility with it. We're not given good salaries just to be on vacation half the year.

<---she says from Fiji

Mark likes money and talks about money and what money can buy alot. I guess, like alot of men, he likes fancy cars and fancy women and fancy homes -- like we saw a Rolls convertible yesterday in Watch Hill and he was digging that-- and he loved the houses and all that. But I get bored talking about it. It's nice to have things, but Id rather talk about something substantive.

Hey! I forgot America's Next Top Model starts this week!

*smh* And in other news, Ive got to quickstart my plan to leave my plantation soon.

<---goes to work, digs hole with soup spoon an eighth of an inch everyday while humming "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot"

It's time to move on. Ive got to work really hard in the next month thinking clearly about my goals and moving towards them. No time for dillydallying. It's New York tomorrow. Im psyched.

Alive!

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 14:41:41 GMT

Im finally in a place where I can dream big dreams. For so long, I was bogged down with all this stuff -- physical stuff, emotional stuff, spiritual stuff -- but now I have some clarity and can get everything in order...my financial life...my home life...my everything. I couldnt dream my dreams before because my insides were too cluttered. And everyone grows up at different rates and I have been somewhat of a late bloomer. It always amazed me how people -- like in the military, for instance -- could get married, have children and run a home at, like, 22. There is no way I could have done that. I would have been completely divided & resentful because I would have wanted to be doing other things and my home life would have reflected it. I would have felt totally tied down by that house...Id want to be travelling and being carefree...not doing the house thing at 22. Anyway, Im glad Im growing into myself and am now in the position to dream big dreams.

Um, why did my neighbor just come peeling out of his driveway at a hundred miles per hour? I turned my phone off for the past two days because that man is calling me 99 times a day and is eating up my minutes, and for some strange reason he thought I was somehow in charge of his Labor Day joy and bought some steaks for me to grill and Im like Oh no I will not be grilling those steaks, you need to get you some friends I am not your only source of life peace and happiness I have my life and it cant be all you *breathe*

10:45

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 21:53:13 GMT

I went to bed early last night with the intention of getting to the gym by 5 this morning. But at 10:45 I got up to go to the bathroom only to hear the neighbor having sex with her new man. She recently went through a divorce and very quickly got a new ---apparently riproaringly hot sexy-- man to call her own. Anyway, Im in the bathroom and I hear ahhhhhhh...eeeeeee...AHH. AHH. OHHHHHHH....EEP! and Im like what in the.

Lord, this is so not fair. Why do I have to:

a. wake up at the exact same moment that other people (who are not married and who have a 6 year old in the house who is impressionable, half crazed already and probably confused) enjoy the intertwining of their bodies while I try to do this thing right and sleep on my hardbehind memory foam all by myself and

b. then spend the next 2 hours lying awake tortured by the fact that I have no sex.

I need to have sex. I need a man to sleep with...not to snore, Lord...but to sleep with.

I also need to get cute loungewear for this trip. Mark Man, this is really not even a trip. The beach in Rhode Island is like 2 hours away. There really is no need for us to spend the night, but ok...Im not driving. We'll go to Watch Hill. And I want to go to Cheesecake Factory in Providence, so maybe we can make a bigger trip out of it, but Mark Baby, it's really not a "trip." But back to the loungewear...I want to get some cute little outfit..something slumber party-esque...not Debbie Does Dallas...like pastels...not jewel tones. Mark doesnt need any va-va-va-voom...black teddy and thigh high vinyl boots. Just girls night out bunny-slippers.

Po Mark. Po man probably has this "trip" all worked out and little does he know Im gonna have on footy pajamas.

Independence Day

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 01:55:37 GMT

Im very proud of myself that I spent this Independence Day learning how to be more independent, setting up a scanner and learning how to use it, (which in my world is a VERY big thing because I have no technical skills but if you need me to cook you something I am ON it.)

So now I can scan photos, :::and the crowd goes woooooooooo::: and I will be sending out my life in pixels to those who are interested. Now, I cant be putting stuff on here because I do not entirely trust the people I be working with but we can do a lil shum'n shum'n on the side...on the DL...on the LO...if you be about it.

Yay for me! Im a jeanyus!

ps. I will also be looking up the other 233 of my former crushes and posting information on them as it becomes available. lol

Im a Business, Man

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 21:55:13 GMT

I want my parents to be proud of me and I want to be a joy to be around. Those two things. Like, I dont want to be one of those people who, when you hear their voice on the phone, instantly your heart drops and you just want to find your gun and shoot you...anyone...anything. I try to bring my parents good news on the phone.

Im feeling alot of clarity lately. Alot of situations are clearing up. Aside from the fact that I have to stop my nonsensical spending for about 3 months and pay off some of these credit cards, aside from that, Im handling mine.

I have aLOT of business to take care of. I really dont know how people stay on top of all their stuff (bills, credit scores, interest rates, investments) without an assistant because just doing my personal stuff could be a full time job. I think Im starting a foundation but I dont have any money in it. It's going to be named after my parents and it will give scholarship money to some Black chirrens going to private schools with no money --that is, the chirrens aint got no money, not the private schools...THEY got money...lol--but I have to get it together soon. Id like to have it up and running by spring '08.

If I made it a family thing and named it after our whole family instead of just my peeps -- like "The Graves Foundation" -- I know I could get more money from my whole extended family, but Im thinkin that's waaaaaaaay too many Head Negroes in Charge. Waaaaaay too many. My family has about 965918182651209745 chiefs and about 2 little Indians.

Whole family of HNIC's. *smh* Love them people, but woo. Theyd be calling me for financial reports and asking me what I did with their money like I could go to the South of France on their 49.99.

I have this 401k loan to pay. I originally took out 12grand 2 1/2 yrs ago and now I owe 3something. (That's 3 thousand.) Not bad. At that time the interest rate was 5% so that was good. But the catch is if I take out another one and I leave my job I have to repay it immediately or it becomes taxable income (or some shiesty rule these people just thought of on their way to work/they are so shiesty.) So, I was thinking about borrowing 10G more out of my account to pay stuff off but---- if I leave my job, I have to be prepared to pay back that 10G immediately. Hmmmm. I thought they could just take the money out of the account to repay it if I leave, but naturally, that would be too much like right and would help out the working (wo)man too much. So, Ima have to call my dad and ask him if I decide to leave work some time soon, if I could have 10Gs from him real quick-- then when I leave and cash out my account, I could give him his 10Gs right back when they cut me my check.

Not sure if this is the highest and best plan for my life (lol) because Im not sure if:

1. I want to hear my dad's mouth.
2. Hearing his mouth is worth 10 thousand dollars.
3. I will have a plan in place in time about a new job.
4. Hearing his mouth about not having a plan in place about a new job is worth 10 thousand dollars in any lifetime.

(Love you daddy, *muah* but OHHHHHHHHHHHHH how you love to puff out your chest and roarrrrrrrrrrrrr and be Simba, King of the Jungle when you can.)

So, before I take out this new loan I have to think a'long and a'hard. I have to be prepared to either a.) stay at my job long enough to pay it off or b.) be able to listen to my dad moan and groan for 16 years about why I did this ....while loving the fact that I came to him and actually *had* to *ask* him for something (and that he had it to give) and that he can tell e-v-e-r-y o-n-e of his brothers and unknown people on the street "see my daughter? she called me. I gave her 10 thousand dollars." *pops collar*)

So, I gotta think all this through before I make some moves.

My dad's giving me a little car he has. (I think he said "give.") *lol* He BETTER have said give. It's a Ford Taurus or something like that -- but only it's not a Taurus... and it's a Chevrolet.

ok. I dont know cars.

But anyway I talked to Daddy yesterday and I said I needed a little car because this SUV thing aint what's hot in the streets and he said he would "give?" it to me after he got it some shocks or struts or something that starts with "S." After he got it a "S"teering wheel? MAN I DONT KNOW. I got business to take care of.

So, I need to be handling my business this summer and not taking summer breaks. I need to be starting another business on the side and I need to be thinking about this foundation thing. I need to be getting some grant money first of all. So much to do. So much to do.

ps. we can let Princess Diana go now

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 18:06:27 GMT

View Poll: #1009215

Saving America One White Woman At a Time

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 21:30:07 GMT

Today was not a good day. I found out:

1. Tiger Woods' wife had a baby girl.
2. Vince's friend Jack is getting married next week at a resort in Mexico. (It was Jack's bachelor party that Vince went to in South Beach Miami. Jack just got his PhD & is starting his own charter school in Delaware for Black boys and is marrying some girl from DC.)
3. This very mean chick at church got married. Like, miserable. If she could get married (as mean as she is).....

Man, this is just pitiful. The news just gets worse and worse everyday. lol

So, this missing white woman story is still on my tv. I might call my local tv station to tell them other people are lost in America. Im sure they were sick of hearing from me for awhile but it's been a minute since I complained, so I might call tonight. Thing is, these folk dont see anything wrong with what they consider news and what gets overlooked. Well, Im about to let them know what time it is.

I think Im in a militant mood because Tiger Woods' wife had a baby. Seriously. Im really mad they could have a baby and everybody and their mamas is having babies (Nicole RICHIE?????) and Im trying to do it right and I have no DWI's yet I have no prospects. I am totally like this. I'll be all hot & bothered and upset and crazy-acting one minute, then I'll ask myself what's REALLY going on and it will have absolutely nothing to do with the thing at hand. NOTHING. If I trace it back, it'll be because I found out some random athlete just had a child. *Jason Kidd had ANOTHER daughter? Lorddddd take meeeeeeeeeeeee.* *smh* Im trying to get a grip on all this misdirected anger, though. I think I need to call Tiger directly. lol

At war

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 23:53:05 GMT

I listen to us. We are at war with our bodies. We hate this about our selves. We hate that. It seems we're always at war with our hair.... we fight our hair. We're at war. We are taught to be from a very young age. We are taught there is something wrong with us and without __________ it wont be made right. How can you feel good about your self when you fight against your self and only Pantene will make it better?

Im waiting for my broken, damaged hair to grow back. I have to catch myself from being in a battle with my hair. And Im feeling a little eh about my body right now. I need to go get toned at the gym. Ive been so busy and so beat when I get home that I dont feel like going, so I feel like Im fighting my body-- not liking my butt, not liking my shoulders, picking at my legs. There's something very sexy when you embrace your self -- from the top of your head, right on down. When you can let out a great big smile and say "World, hereIam! This is me. However I am today, this is me!" Not feeling self conscious and self aware. Just free. Loving you. Theres really no defense against this. It disarms people.

I have seen older women with saggy breasts and cellulite be so free and open about their bodies. This is so sexy. And I have sat in hair salons where women are in mortal combat against their hair -- sitting there looking so unhappy... full of misery...trying to beat their hair into submission. I stood naked in front of the mirror and just stopped to look. I havent had that much time to see my body lately; Ive been in such a rush to get dressed. But it was nice to just stop and take a good look at me. To thank God for my arms, my legs, my nose, my neck. It has to be a conscious thing. It flies in the face of the culture because the culture tells you to pick your self apart and buy,

but I refuse.

Sat, 19 May 2007 22:03:23 GMT

When Im especially anxious I post. Well, I guess Im especially anxious right now because here's another post. lol

I really dont know what to do about my love life. I really really dont. My God Jehovah, Father of Jesus Christ my Lord, has been especially kind to me this year -- not just 2007 but my whole birthday year -- like the past 8 months since last 9/11/06. ...especially kind... & I thank you Lord. I recognize Your healing sovereign grace running through all aspects of my life and I do not deserve it. I deserve destruction for my sinfulness but You constantly keep me and preserve me and prosper me. Everything I have has been touched by the LORD in a special way this year -- I have had favor at work, Princess was lost and I found her at the vet hospital, my car has been taken care of, bills have been paid, health has been great, all my checkups have been painless.... so Im really wondering what the LORD is doing on the Man Front.

Wait. Good news about Princess. Took her to the vet this morning. She has (yet another) tumor. It's on her lymph node under her front right leg near her lung. Thought the vet would want to euthanize her since he said he wanted to last year when she had a 2nd tumor removed (this is a new one since that one -- her THIRD golf ball sized tumor...this will be her 3rd surgery in a year and a half). Well, he said to remove it and he didnt recommend euthanizing her this time, so she goes in for surgery hours before the flight to Texas and she will be boarded at the vet's for a week for recuperation. That's huge. I thought I would have to put her to sleep before I left. One less thing to be concerned about. Im so glad she wont die right now. Im so glad shes still alive. I need her to be alive for a little while longer.

Thank you so much, LORD. This means so much to me. Thankyou.

So I say all that to say I really am perplexed about what I should do -- or not do -- regarding my love life. Since I believe God has His hand on every part of me, just as much as He has been with me in all these other areas of my life and has given me favor, so it will be concerning my mate. So with Stephen, I thought, ok, maybe Im being too passive here. Maybe I need to contact *him.* Maybe he thinks since he was such a jerk, I wouldnt want any contact with him now (which is TOTALLY understandable considering he was a total jerk the last time we talked...grrr...jerkbuttjerk) so I thought, maybe if I call him and he IS for me, it would open the door for a new relationship. I thought, OK... God is in control here. If I mess up (but my intentions were good) He will open any door that needs to be opened and close any door that needs to be closed. I KNOW this.

I just dont know what to do. I just dont know. I am at the end of myself. In many many ways I am a throwback to another era. I want men to be strong and feel empowered and be the aggressors. I dont want to take over their role and hunt them down like women do. I dont want to be calling men. I want them to come after me. So, Ive purposely been more passive so he -- like any other man who might be the one for me -- can decide what he wants to do. But it's tough to be a woman like that these days (in a sea of piranha wenches.) So, I just left it in God's hands this year and just prayed prayed prayed.

So, I pray You will continue to make this a great birthday year and You will bring me to my mate, LORD. I dont know what else to do but my times are in Your hands.

Amen

knots

Sat, 19 May 2007 16:03:23 GMT

Well, I did it. I did the unspeakable. I called him. I called his cell. Some recording came on that the party you have reached cannot accept messages at this time or whatever. Two minutes later he called me back.

Let me back up. I was in my car. I said "Lord, I really dont know what to do here. I want to call Stephen. And I know I need help with this pride, bitterness and unforgiveness & all the ugly stuff in me, and I really want to be loving to everyone who has wronged me. He was untruthful to me and I am still hurt by it. I dont want to harbor this unforgiveness towards this man. I want to get rid of it. I also need closure. So, if You want me to call Steve, please let a Stevie Wonder song come on the radio next -- not twelve songs down the road but next." (Im not kidding, yall. I know this sounds ridiculous but I did ask that.)

No Stevie Wonder song.

So, I go into the supermarket. Go get me some tuna and sausage for the grill. Come out. Turn on my radio. No Stevie Wonder song.

So, I go to get some gas. Pump it. Get in my car. Get out to replace the nozzle and get back in. Turn on the radio. Stevie Wonder song.

So, now Im like now what do I do!!!???!?!? Im like, "Lord, they play Stevie Wonder songs all the time." I tell myself "You are actually going to call this man because a Stevie
W-O-N-D-E-R song came on the radio? (now I just PRAYED for a Stevie Wonder song, with my fickle self, but Im going through all these changes now that it actually happened and Im in my car mumbling and motioning to myself and gesturing like I needed to be committed) so then the next song that comes on following the Stevie Wonder song is --I kid you not--- And I Am Telling You.

Im like "Noooooooooo. NOT 'And I Am Telling You' "?!?!!?!!" They dont even PLAY that song here much any more since it's so played out. ugggghhhhh
So at this point it's like girl, pee or get off the pot. That was the name of your journal, fool. *smh*

So, with trembling fingers --

I call him.

We talked. It was good to hear his voice. I love his voice. I felt like I was about to throw up. Seriously. I was driving when I called him (which is illegal here) so I pulled The Lickety Split into RiteAid so I wouldnt fly off the road (with my emotional self.) I started farting. My stomach was churning.

Small talk...how are you...how was your birthday... sorry Im late...blahblahblah... how is work.... blahblahblah. No mention of a woman...no mention of a baby... Is there a baby? Is he nuts? How do you not mention your 6 month old boy or girl or wife/girlfriend if there is one?

We talked about the new Steeler head coach. I asked about his ailing father. Told him about my new laptop. He told me about his friend who gets hot laptops. *smh* In other words, the same conversation that we had 2 years ago.

Ive been dreaming of a new enlightened man. A man who's grown up & has grown into himself & who would be all repentant and contemplative and self-reflective. I didnt want small talk. I know I havent talked to this man for over a year and it takes time to warm up in long distance conversations but I thought it would be all butterflies, puppies and rainbows. I thought he would be deep. I thought he would share his soul about life. I could tell he was happy to hear from me because he was upbeat and joked around, but it was surface talk. It wasnt like, "My FRIEND! I MISSED you. Here's what going on in my world. My hurts, my joys, my pains, my views...." I wanted him to say "What a great birthday gift! Thanks for calling me! You really made my day." I dunno. He didnt say that. He's not really like that (Im more like that) so maybe I set my expectations too high....as usual.

I dont know what to think but I did it. Maybe that was closure. I dont know how I feel. It's been about an hour and my stomach is still in knots. I still feel sick. I look for that feeling with all these daffy men I have crushes on here but that feeling is just not there with them.

I dont know.

I just dont know.

good NEWS!

Mon, 14 May 2007 22:29:22 GMT

Good news good news good NEWS...do you HEAR ME? Today my neighbor (whose wife died after not leaving the house for over 20 years/ok Ima stop calling her that but she did) but when I got home, why was my phone ringing and this man tells me "I have walking pneumonia" ..... "can you make me a sandwich?" My brain cells were saying, LOOK MAN. Do NOT BE watching for me when I drive in from work from my job in Timbuktu. Plus.... THIS SHORT ORDER COOK THING IS GETTING WAYYYYYYYYYYY OUT OF HAND ....but instead I just walk myself to the fridge while on the phone and say "I dont see anything in here to make you a sandwich with. I mean, I have bread, but I dont see sandwich food. Do you like egg salad because I can whip you up some egg salad if you give me 20 minutes."

Well, long story short, that whole sandwich bit was just an excuse to get me over there. Once I got there, Dude told me he wanted to give me something for my trip since "you take such good care of me. Youre always so nice to me and you look out for me"

(yall. I cook for this man nearly every day. I invite him over. Ive bought him a gift for every holiday and I give him little things like socks and toiletries.)

DUDE GAVE ME TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!!!!

*yippee!* Now I can have a better trip!

<---DOES BOOGALOO

He said "all I ask is that you bring me back a souvenir." I said "You GOTTTTTTTTT IT."

*makes papier mache cowboy boot.*
man, I dont have money to waste

Wow. That was the coolest thing to happen to me since uh ..he gave me the laptop 2 weeks ago.

:o

So if you know any middle aged white womens who need a man who is
L-O-A-D-E-D and L-O-N-E-L-Y, HOLLA. This man is very nice, has a job, is funny and speaks French. HOLLA.

LAWD, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY AINT HE BLACK?

SMH

Mon, 14 May 2007 01:38:07 GMT

View Poll: light skin or brown skin

the ill nail na

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 20:41:33 GMT

My nails are growing. It's all because my aunt who always had jacked up nails now has these lonnnnnnnnnnng behind nails and apparently everybody in my family all went to my 2nd cousins' husband's funeral and while everybody was supposed to be all sad and sniffling and mourning, all the women were all shocked and awed at my uncle's wife's nails. So, my mother was like "You wouldnt BELIEVE LaVerne's nails. Theyre as long as Sandra's!!!" And I go "NO WAY. There is NO WAY Aunt LaVerne's nails are as long as Aunt Sandra's (Aunt Sandra being my mother's sister who has nails as long as her mother/my grandmother --rest her soul-- *pours out 40 oz of nail polish for my grammy*) So, my mother goes "LaVerne says she uses ---GET THIS ---SALLY HANSEN NAIL GROWTH MIRACLE in the GOLD BOTTLE." I go "SALLY HANSEN NAIL GROWTH MIRACLE in the GOLD BOTTLE?" And she goes "Yes. That's right. SALLY HANSEN NAIL GROWTH MIRACLE in the GOLD BOTTLE." *tooth glimmer*

Yall. All infomercials aside, This is some SERIOUSLY ILL STUFF. I been putting it on my nails every other day (as directed) and my nails now reach to the moon. No joke.

Go to Walgreens or CVS or somewhere, plunk down 7.99 plus tax (dont forget the tax. Yall please dont be up at the counter with 7.99 and have them go 8.53 and have you be all embarassed that nobody told you there was tax on SALLY HANSEN NAIL GROWTH MIRACLE in the GOLD BOTTLE and you have to walk that seriously ill stuff back to its nail on the wall) so take your tax money and go to CVS and get you some of this if you want nice nails and you need to get everything together including your nails, hair, body and skin by Memorial Day to go to Texas oh wait that's me. lol

Just for friends

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 22:47:20 GMT

Welcome in. Heart is open...

is she mute now?

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 00:36:39 GMT

since that girl Katie Holmes had that baby of hers, can she talk? I'm just wondering.

Let It Go in 2007

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 23:56:34 GMT

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you, let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you, let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The Bible says that "they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For if that had been for us, no doubt they would have continued with us." (I John 2:19)

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean he or she is a bad person. It just means their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so you won't keep trying to raise the dead.

You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of goodbye. It's the 10th spiritual gift.

I believe in goodbye. It's not that I'm hateful; it's that I'm faithful. And I know whatever God means for me, He will give it to me.

And if it takes too much sweat, I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...

LET IT GO!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains...

LET IT GO!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back and see your worth...

LET IT GO!

If someone has angered you...

LET IT GO!

If you are holding onto some thoughts of evil and revenge...

LET IT GO!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...

LET IT GO!

If you are holding onto a job that no longer meets your needs or expectations...

LET IT GO!

If you have a bad attitude...

LET IT GO!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...

LET IT GO!

If you are stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him...

LET IT GO!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship...

LET IT GO!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...

LET IT GO!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed...

LET IT GO!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "Take your hands off it"

then you need to...

LET IT GO!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing for 2007!!!!

LET IT GO!!!

Get right or get left
think about it...and then...

LET IT GO!

THE BATTLE IS NOT YOURS. IT'S THE LORD'S.

TD Jakes

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 23:02:46 GMT

Praise Your Name Jehovah. May I represent Your glory.

I know we're at war and everything but

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 01:49:12 GMT

I'm sitting here looking at a bag of Ruffles which cost four dollars and 49 cents. Are these people crazy? Two bags of potato chips for NINE DOLLARS??. What are these people THINKING? What's a bag of potato chips... like 3 potatoes? (So that's 3 cents)...and half a teaspoon of oil...oh, and dont forget that salt. smh